95% of the Transformers movie was so boring, unfunny, and terrible that it nearly made me cry. How do you ruin a film with giant transforming sentient mechas, you ask? By leaving them out of most of the running time, and spending nearly the entire movie focusing on humans. And not on the soldiers from the beginning, oh no, we couldn't make this a real adult film like Aliens, now could we? No, we need to spend more than half the film following the adventures of a (supposedly) teenage boy and his attempts to buy a car, get laid, and keep the giant alien robots from messing up his parents' lawn so he doesn't get grounded. You got teen comedy in my scifi! You got scifi in my teen comedy! And nobody wins!

#sighs# I wanted to like it, I really did. I loved the Transformers as a child, and Optimus Prime has remained one of my heroes to this day. Going in, I was willing to forgive this movie nearly anything, just to see them done with ILM and a big budget on a big screen. But the movie did the one thing I could not forgive- it didn't focus on the very thing it was named after. For a movie called "Transformers, "
they're just not in it enough, and they don't do enough fighting when they are. The last action sequence was cool and all, if you can get past the reasoning that led to it being set where it was (I don't want to spoiler it for anyone) and the fact that none of the Transformers are really distinguishable from any other, especially with the MTV Editing, but it didn't make up for there being hardly any Transformer action outside the (few) desert scenes and some unnecessary slapstick with the Autobots. More robots and less humans in the sequel, please.

Things I Have Learned From This Film:
Peripheral vision is a myth.

Things I Liked About This Film:
The bit where Optimus Prime shows up the first time.
The desert battles.
The last action sequence.

Things I Didn't Like About The Film:
Everything else.