Two-Sentence Movie Reviews

Eragon

I'm not sure two sentences is really going to cover it, really, but I'll try- my annoyance with the film stems from several sources, partially from the rampant-yet-incompetent theft from many, many other films and books, including (but not limited to) everything J.R.R. Tolkien ever wrote, The Dragonriders of Pern, Dune, Star Wars, Pitch Black (check the head on the lint creature the Christopher Walken guy rode at the end) the terrible dialogue, the ridiculous editing, the juvenile plot, the skips in narrative, the dragon just bloody growing to adult stage over ten minutes and being able to breathe fire in two days (and hey, did you know the average flame doesn't have enough heat to melt rock into glass, but apparently the dragon can melt freaking rocks and yet not breathe flame yet [edited to add: and Wikipedia tells me it's supposed to be *diamond* - chemistry and physics have gone right out the window there, and that much heat would completely melt the body anyway]) people teleporting (seriously, you flew several hundred miles on a damn dragon and then Jeremy Irons just gets there ahead of you on horseback and somehow just arrives in time to throw himself in front of a spear?) the wooden "acting" of the lead, the insistence on not telling us who or what anything was ever until it couldn't possibly be put off any longer, the terrible closing song with every single cliche ever in the history of the English language (Disembaudio does a great karaoke version of it on the Rifftrax, though) and the final battle sequence depending on you a) never having seen a decent battle sequence in your life, b) assuming every single one of the defenders was nowhere near any of the fire the dragon just rained down on everyone, c) never having seen or heard of the battle for Minas Tirith, and d) taking on faith that the hidden outpost was big enough for the dragon to fly at high speed through in a straight line for seven whole minutes. Yet among all this lameness there was one bright point; not only does Jeremy Irons wear leather and look scruffy, but he can actually ride and they give him a lovely Friesian- mmmm. :)